On Sunday morning, I did something I never thought I'd do, and never plan to do again.
And no, it wasn't crack cocaine.
But for the record, I wouldn't do that either.
I WENT TO CHURCH!!!
That's right. A Catholic (I think?) church. Albeit, I went to exploit the local church for bonus points (as did many others in my music of the church class), but still. I was there, with Jesus. I made many observations throughout the performance...
1. There was no cover... at least upfront
When Jasmin and I rolled up outside the church, I asked her if I had to pay a cover charge to get in. She laughed and said no, and explained that church isn't the same thing as a nightclub. Interesting. What she DIDN'T tell me was that about halfway through the performance, some bitch handed around this bucket thing where everyone threw in some form of money... and not just pennies and nickels, there were ten dollar bills floating around in there. I awkwardly threw in the quarter I had in my pocket and received dirty looks from the old man further down on our bench.
2. There was a lot of standing up, and then sitting down.
I don't know about everyone else in that building, but Sunday = recovery day. So the fact that everyone was basically rising UP and then DOWN as if in a choreographed dance was not good for my upset stomach.
Most of the time, the stand-ups were accompanied by the singing of some terrible song that I didn't know. I was nearly visited by the ghost of vodka from the night before, but I managed to suppress the urge to vomit all over the house of Jesus.
3. Swearing is frowned upon
Everytime we had to stand up, I'd whisper (loudly) to Jasmin something along the lines of "Jesus fuck, again? What is it with these assholes and standing up all the god damn time?." She told me that I shouldn't say such things in church because it was offensive to God or something like that. Luckily I don't believe in God and so I continued to swear under my breath every time I switched from a standing position to a sitting position.
*Note: I didn't swear just to be rude in church, it was kind of like a reflex, half of the time I don't even notice I'm doing it. Hangovers and early mornings are my worst moments, and this was a mix of both... what do you expect?
4. The obvious dangers of the spread of mono or oral herpes.
The next part of the show caught me off guard: everyone in the building stood in a line, and one by one, proceeded to drink wine from the same cup. FROM THE SAME FUCKING CUP! Some random woman wiped the glass off between drinkers with the same cloth... I feel like that's not sanitary in any capacity. In all seriousness, what if the first drinker had something like mono or oral herpes? Or fuck, even a cold! It would be spread to everyone in the church, would it not?
Also noteworthy about this portion of the show was the fact that prior to the wine, each person was given a few morsels of bread. What if it was whole wheat? I don't like whole wheat. Why would I go to church for bread when there was a nearby McDonald's?
I guess I just don't really understand church, or how people can go to it every week.
