After 17 years of repeatedly saying how much I hate whole wheat bread, you'd think my grandparents would take the hint and prepare for my arrival with a loaf of delicious white bread. But no. Instead, my grandmother claimed that whole wheat bread is "healthy" and therefore the better option. Clearly, in their minds, the presence of whole wheat bread justifies having a plethora of dessert choices, none of which are even remotely healthy.
Anyway, that was irrelevant. Here's the story of Stinky and the Rabbit Woman:
Every year, Christmas is ruined by the annual trip to visit the grandparents. There's nothing wrong with them personally, it's just the fact that
a) there's nothing to do there
and b) there is always the risk of unwanted distant relatives. This year, whilst enjoying a pleasant visit with my father's parents, we were visited by Stinky and the Rabbit Woman.
I knew that I was going to want to kill myself as soon as the duo arrived. Their names are awful - I'm not going to disclose what they are, just in case - god forbid - they should ever read this. They're the type of name that is the abbreviation of a name that should not be abbreviated. Like trying to abbreviate Myrtle.
These people had those kind of names, only worse, and more stereotypically old.
The man reeked of cigarettes. He took a seat next to me. I moved. He will be referred to as stinky.
The woman looked kind of like a rabbit, only she was a morbidly obese human woman. She wore a blue relay for life tshirt. You'd think I should be all "awww isn't that nice, blue means she was a volunteer there!" but NO. The fact that she wears that shirt to go around visiting relatives leads me to believe that that shirt is one of the nicer things she owns - the rest of her wardrobe probably consists of oversized hoodies and shirts that say "5km road race" on them. She will be referred to as the Rabbit Woman.
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| (I stole the rabbit-like face from the internet. My artistic skills haven't grown that dramatically) |
My grandparents, parents, myself, and the couple sat around the living room engaging in conversation. By this I mean - my mother and I helplessly looked at my father, trying to hint that it was time to leave, whilst exchanging desperate text messages to one another about how we were going to either kill ourselves or Stinky or the Rabbit Woman if we didn't leave soon. The rest of them prattled on about such topics as who died recently, or - randomly - a five minute rant about bologna sandwiches.
I couldn't even watch what was on TV - it was hockey, I hate hockey.
My dog wandered over and sniffed the Rabbit Woman skeptically. The Rabbit Woman made a comment about how all dogs love her.
IT IS A DOG'S NATURAL INSTINCT TO HUNT RABBITS. NO DOG HAS EVER LOVED YOU ON A DEEPER LEVEL THAN THE FACT THAT IT WOULD LIKE TO DEVOUR YOU.
I was tempted to say this, but didn't. I figured, since I had said nothing at this point, they'd think I was crazy.
Cell service was sketchy, so I started typing messages and awkwardly placing my phone near where mom could read the messages. "Why is this happening to us??" read my first desperate plea. Mom looked concerned, I could tell that her sanity was wavering as well.
Stinky's age was ambiguous - he could have been either 30 or 60. I remember him saying something about having 25 years left until retirement (meaning he'd be like.. 30ish), but then later he and the Rabbit Woman talked about their grandchildren... so is he 50? Who can tell?
When it was finally time to leave, the Rabbit Woman listed the other people that her and Stinky needed to visit that evening. I felt like I had some moral obligation to warn the people she listed, but alas, most of them were other relatives I had never heard of.
On our way out the door, Stinky asked the dreaded question: "When did you get so tall?". EVERY FUCKING YEAR I AM ASKED THIS QUESTION BY HUNDREDS OF ELDERLY RELATIVES I DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED. I felt like saying "When did you see me last?" but I just awkwardly chuckled. At least he probably had seen me when I was actually short... it's worse when it's someone like a grandparent who has seen me at least annually... like my grandfather:
Grandpa: Wow! Have you ever grown!
Me: Actually, I was exactly the same height I was when I saw you last.
Grandpa: ha! That's funny, no you weren't!
Me: Yes. I was.
Grandpa: Well, how tall are you? You must be pushing six feet!
Me: DO YOU NOT REMEMBER HAVING THIS EXACT SAME EXCHANGE OF WORDS EVERY TIME I'VE SEEN YOU FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS WHEN I'VE ALWAYS BEEN PUSHING SIX FEET?
Grandpa: Wow! Have you ever grown!
