highlights from an evening with my parents.

Today I came home for the weekend from university.  The first place I went was Boston Pizza, where I met up with my parents in order to exploit them for a free meal to spend quality time with them.  For those of you who have met my father.. he's... old-fashioned, I guess would be the most accurate depiction.  Or not even old-fashioned so much as just weird. Anyway, the following are some highlights of the conversation had over dinner - enjoy!
*upon sitting down, Dad notices the fact that I am wearing a pair of American Eagle jeans, the kind with the holes in the knees.*
Dad: Jesus Christ!  You need a new pair of jeans!
Me: What do you mean?
Mom: Mark, that's a style.  They're sold like that.
Dad: You paid money for jeans that are sold like that?  Where did you buy them?  Frenchies?
Me: No, American Eagle.  They were only $40!
Dad: JESUS CHRIST!  No wonder you don't have any money left.  My jeans only cost me $19 and they don't have holes in them.
Me: Where did you buy them?
Dad: Walmart!
Me, Mom: *laughs*

I should interject here to mention that I read this part aloud to mom - dad consequently said "What the hell's that doing online?  It better not be a 'status!' "


As dinner progresses...
Me: It's awkward when Grammie messages me on facebook, because she can see that I'm holding a bottle in my profile pictures.
Dad: What's she doing on your wall?
*Approximately several minutes are spent explaining facebook to Dad*
Dad: Well what are you doing holding bottles in these pictures?  I thought you were at a dry campus.
Mom: *rolls eyes*
Me: That was only the first week.
Dad: Oh... speaking of university, are you ever cold in your room?
Me: What?
Dad: I'm just saying that if you are, you could always borrow some blankets from the property.
Me: ...property?
Dad: Yes.

Apparently I'm too incompetent to wear a sweater, or was unaware that we have numerous blankets that I could borrow "from the property."


Dad: So today at school.. (elaborates for awhile, no one really listens.  Finishes, laughs heartily.)
Me: Have you ever noticed how when you tell stories about school, NO ONE LAUGHS?
Dad: Your mother loves them.  I'll be right back (goes to the bathroom).
Mom: Whenever he tells stories about school I wanna slit my wrists...
Dad returns from the bathroom.
Dad: I just had the weirdest burp... like, it tasted like a burger.  But not a macdonald's or wendy's burger.
Me, Mom: ...
Dad: Well, I'm used to burping after I eat those burgers.  This one was different.
Me, Mom: ...
Dad: It tasted like Burger King, which is weird because I haven't had Burger King in a long time.  Isn't that weird?
Mom: ................... no?
Me: Why are you telling us this?
Dad: Just making smalltalk..

I don't know why he felt like this was proper dinner conversation.  I don't know why he felt like this was a proper conversation in the first place, for any social situation.  The funny thing was, he interrupted a legitimate conversation between me and mom to "make smalltalk" when he returned from the bathroom.


I've noticed that Dad's new expression is "went aboard of" ... I don't know what that means, or why that's his new expression, but it just sounds wrong in so many ways.
Dad: So there was this girl yelling in the hallways the other day, and I went aboard of her -
Mom: ...What?
Dad: I went aboard of her!
Mom: That just sounds inappropriate.  Especially when you're talking about a girl.  Especially when it's a student.
Dad:  Grow up.  Anyway, then the principal went aboard of her -
Mom: Sounds like you guys were having a good time...
Dad: What?
Mom: It was a joke...
Dad: At my expense!


Anyway... that's my socially retarded father.