The Hangover

Imagine if you will, you've fallen in love with a young maiden named Caroline.  She was sweet, beautiful, and brought joy and passion into your life for one night.
Now imagine you wake up in your own puke on your bedroom floor.  Caroline robbed you of give or take $40, beat the living shit out of you, and probably gave you a concussion.  She partially undressed you and put your cat in the sink.  She hid your phone in a different room of the house.
Caroline was gone, but she left you with a horrible STD.

Now replace 'Caroline' with 'vodka' and 'STD' with hangover.

Probably the biggest downside to drinking (besides financial difficulties) is the lingering effect the morning after.  If you're like me, you don't generally get too hungover.  I can function enough to go about my day (with minimal complaining).  I might throw up once or twice but generally speaking, my hangovers aren't too bad.

That is, unless I black out.

Those of you unfamiliar with blacking out... it's like being a little kid, when you'd fall asleep on the couch and your dad would carry you to bed.  You'd wake up with no fucking idea how you got there.  Same idea, only more embarrassing.

My favourite...
Summer 2011 - waking up at a friend's house (the house I pre-drank at, within walking distance of the destination.  I wasn't too alarmed or surprised, just relieve to make it home in one piece).  It wasn't until much later that I learned the truth of what happened to blackout Dallas.  My friend Taylor filled me in...
On her walk home the previous night, her and her friends took the shortcut in Bridgewater from the suburb-y area down behind the Dairy Queen.  On their walk down, they stopped, abruptly.  They saw a body.  At this point in the story, I interjected to ask if it was a dead body.  She responded with "I thought so... but then we got closer... and realized... it was you."
YEP, I was found behind the Dairy Queen, unconscious. After trying to run from the people who were only trying to help me, they through me in a cab and sent me on my way.

Although I don't get too hungover... you should meet my friend - we'll just call her "that DRUNK girl!"  Following a night on the town, she'll awake, smelling of tequila, Dolan's, and cigarettes.  Clutching her Brita, she forms a cocoon out of blankets and remains inside, only emerging as a butterfly after a minimum of 24 hours of rest.

How to avoid the hangover?  Don't drink in the first place!  But if the thought of a sober Friday is too daunting for you, alternate with water and you'll wake up feeling like 1,000,000 bucks!

Now, if I only I could take my own advice...

SO!  To recap: ... don't fuck Caroline, she'll leave you with an STD.  The grass behind Bridgewater's Dairy Queen is NOT a comfortable place to sleep, and a Brita/blanket cocoon can fix anything.

Cheerzzzz
@powertequila

five MORE things that piss me off

1. LITTLE KIDS WHO ONLY WANT KETCHUP ON THEIR BURGERS.

This is probably the least rational thing to be mad at, but I tell you, nothing irks me more than when a little kid is ordering food and asks (or, because they're stupid kids, get their mom to ask) "just ketchup on the burger."  

Stop being picky and eat your fucking onions.

The weirdest part about this one is that it doesn't bother me if any other age group at all does it.  Say I'm with one of my friends who is 20 years old.  They order a burger and ask for just ketchup. I'm 100% okay with that.  You're 75 and you just want ketchup?  Sure!  But you're 6 and just want ketchup?  EJSFAKOEDwkfjaok

2. THE OLYMPICS.

I'm going to get hated on for this.  Which is another one of my pet peeves, getting hated on for hating on the Olympics.

I want to watch the Simpsons sometimes.  It's hilarious.  You know what's not hilarious?  Asian women diving.  Naturally, you can understand my frustrations when the Olympics takes over the time slot originally reserved for quality cartoon entertainment.

Aren't there already entire CHANNELS dedicated to sports?  Why not restrict the Olympics to there?  Big Brother doesn't come on and pre-empt fucking tennis over TSN.  So the Olympics shouldn't come do the same to Global.

3. PEOPLE WHO CALL KELLY CLARKSON FAT.

It bothers me that one of the most common comments on her YouTube videos is something related to her weight.

Kelly Clarkson isn't fat, internet troll.  You are fat.

4. MOVIES THAT TRY TO BE MORE REALISTIC BY USING SHITTY CAMERA WORK.

You know which ones I mean... Paranormal Activity, Cloverfield, Blair Witch Project, etc, in which one of the main characters carries around a camera/sets up hidden cameras/etc in order to make the movie feel more "real."

What the director of Paranormal Activity probably hoped I'd think:

"Man, this is so scary.  I bet this really happened, because this was all caught on hidden camera, no cameramen in sight."

What I actually thought:

"Who sets up several hidden cameras in their house overnight?  Furthermore, who carries around a camera all over the fucking place when it's obvious they're in grave danger.  I get that scary shit is happening in the middle of the night, but this is the most unrealistic thing I've ever seen."

This isn't saying that horror movies are generally realistic, but simply saying that this doesn't help make it any more scarier.  Instead, it just gives me two hours of headaches as a result of shaky camerawork.

5. MUSIC VIDEOS THAT DON'T IMMEDIATELY START WITH THE SONG
I just youtube'd the video for 'When You Were Young" by the Killers.  It wasn't until 1:27 that the song started playing.  WHO ACTUALLY ENJOYS MUSIC VIDEOS SO MUCH THAT THEY'D PREFER EIGHTY FUCKING SEVEN SECONDS OF SOME UGLY ASS BITCH CRYING ON A CROSS?  NO ONE.  I JUST WANTED TO HEAR THE SONG FOR SOME REASON.

6 lessons I've learned from living in an apartment for six months

HEY I had this blog once, but I got lazy, I'm back at it... judge me maybe.

HELLOOO followers/people who accidentally clicked on the link that I'm going to whore around social media!
I was going to start with some banter about how I haven't blogged in a long fucking time... then realized like 40% of my posts open with that soooo...

APARTMENT LIFE!  Original.

I moved out of residence and gained full independence (purchased by Roxanne Power's credit card) at the beginning of May with Billy, a flaming homosexual fish and chips enthusiast, and Natalie/Natasha, a raging alcoholic waitress.  We're also students... kind of.  I got a job selling fish to old people and things were going great!

I've learned a few things about living in an apartment for about 6 months.

1. Life is fucking scary without a dishwasher.
Those of you who have never had the beautiful luxury of a dishwasher will probably disagree and say it's not that.  Those of you who DID have a dishwasher growing up... IT FUCKING SUCKS.  If they're not clean  you have to LOOK AT THEM ALL THE TIME UNTIL SOMEONE WASHES THEM.  And in order for them to be clean... YOU HAVE TO WASH THEM!!!  With your HANDS that get SCALDED in HOT WATER.
When I think of a dishwasher I think of a thousand tiny Mexican women running around, frantically scrubbing away at our mess.

2. Why did I ever use a glass to drink anything?
I'm the only one in my apartment who likes skim milk (Natasha has her 1% for cereal and whatnot, Billy has 2%).  Why dirty a glass when I'm the ONLY ONE drinking it (if boyfriend reads this... I'm sorry, I drank out of the carton, you should probably not drink my milk.)  Same for juice.  Water?  I just stick my head under the tap!  This kind of ties into #1 - less dishes!  Except for once, I was at work and kind of forgot that I wasn't home and nearly drank out of the tap.  But I didn't!

3. Cats... they need food to live.
STOCK UP ON CAT FOOD.

4. There's more to life than partying.
hahahaha.   Just kidding.

5. Cooking isn't THAT hard.
I'm bad for eating half of my meals on campus/at the cellar/boston pizza/just not eating because i'm lazy.  Like... if someone hacked into my banking info (please don't, I don't even have that much money) I'd look like I was a food critic for the amount of $$$ I spend at restaurants.  The other day, boyfriend was making hamburger helper... so I bought hamburger helper so I could be domestic too.  Have I made said hamburger helper?  ... Not yet.  Whatever, I worked all day.  That's kind of responsible too.
Breakfast shakes help me out a lot too!  They're easy.  And they involve milk.

6. I just really REALLY want a dishwasher...
I know this was number 1... but fucking FUCK it's a big one.

Anyway... those are the only 6 (lol 5) lessons I've learned!  Stay tuned, I might actually update again! :O

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER XOXO GG @powertequila

OH YEAH!  KELLY CLARKSON'S GREATEST HITS COMES OUT TOMORROW :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Day 4.

It's official, the world thinks I'm an alcoholic:

Something called '@seemydrink' is now following me on twitter (you should all probably follow me on twitter, especially if I don't know you!  When strangers follow me I feel famous.  @powertequila).
Basically this implies that someone somewhere who I don't know has read my excessive tweets about drinking (most of which start with 'lol driiinkk...') and began to follow me from this account... cool!

But they will be disappointed.


I'm on Day 4 of my journey to not drink for 60 days.  Meaning my tweets will be lacking in drunkenness for the time being (I'll more than make up for it on New Years, I promise).

Not drinking for four days is not unheard of... even I've gone that far before.  That being said, it's Friday night.  Friday.  Key word being Friday.  Other important word being Night.  Friday Night.  Friday screams 'drinking' and night screams 'it's acceptable to drink at this hour.'  Naturally the two together scream a recipe for drunkenness and disaster.  Fortunately I've a prior commitment to attend to tonight and can't drink (even if I wanted to).  Day 4 = success.

But tomorrow is Saturday (click for clarification).  Saturdays have nights too.  Saturday screams 'it's not friday but i'll take it, go drink.'  I'm going to have to do things like driving and surgery in order to keep myself sober (I'm against drunk driving and drunk surgery).

Anyway... since I'm not drinking I'll probably update semi-frequently from now on... it's not like I'll be doing something outlandish like... studying or some shit.

** I understand that this probably won't get a lot of reads, considering most of you will be drinking tonight.  Unlike me. :(

*** I LIKE FOLLOWERS AND SUBSCRIBERS SO DO THOSE THINGS.  kthxbyeee

things that piss me off about eating

I think that this is the highest concentration of the word 'fuck' of any blog post.


I'm sure I have an earlier blog post about how much I hate whole wheat bread.  To summarize:
Whole wheat bread tastes like shit.  I would rather swallow sandpaper than eat a sandwich made with whole wheat bread (the sad thing is, I'm only exaggerating a little).  Whenever I bitch about how I'm being served whole wheat bread, I always get the same reply: "It's good for you!" Shut the the fuck up.  I lost 25 pounds this summer eating at least four slices of WHITE bread every day.  Not once did I torture my tastebuds with the carboard-like texture of the monstrosity and abomination that is whole wheat bread.  And I still successfully lost weight.  So go fuck yourself.
Moving on -

I like sour cream.  A lot.  I would sit there eating out of a tub of sour cream if it wasn't grossly unhealthy and probably socially unacceptable.  So naturally I'm pissed off when people judge/criticize me for loading copious amounts of sour cream on everything.
Am I pouring sour cream on your food?  No.
Am I eating it directly from the container?  Rarely.
Am I spitting sour cream out of my mouth to piss you off?  No, but that would be kind of funny.
Exactly.  So shut the fuck up and let me eat my food with an unhealthy amount of sour cream.

I'm a messy eater.  You're a fucking bitch.  I don't tell you you're a fucking bitch, so don't tell me I'm a messy eater.  K? K.

I'm a pescetarian, meaning I eat fish and only eat other animals while drunk no other animals.  Generally at gatherings where pizza is available, the person organizing said gathering decides to be 'respectful' and order pepperoni pizza for the omnivores and vegetarian pizza for the others.  The thing about vegetarian pizza is that it's covered in olives (I fucking hate olives) and peppers and other shit that I don't want.  Just because I don't eat meat doesn't fucking mean I want olives on my god damn pizza.  Get CHEESE pizza.  You probably can't go wrong.  If you don't/can't eat cheese... then don't eat pizza. 


Last thing that pisses me off about eating (and it's a big one):
I love spaghetti.  I would go as far as to say it's my favourite food.  However, I like spaghetti with butter and parmesan cheese.  No sauce.  So it FUCKING PISSES ME OFF WHEN CUNTS POUR SAUCE ALL OVER MY FUCKING SPAGHETTI WITHOUT ASKING ME.  I've never hit someone in my life but my closest moments have been a result of this.
It's almost equally frustrating when I sit down with my spaghetti and get weird looks and am asked "you don't put sauce on your spaghetti?"  MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.


... I wasn't in a bad mood before I wrote this but now I'm gonna go on a rampage.  BYE!

Living the unemployed life

Today, I did little to contribute to society.

Not by choice, but by my sheer inability to get hired at anywhere in Bridgewater. 

Instead, I find my days filled with doing laps in the pool and going for runs, as a means of losing the freshman 15.  Which I did!  18 pounds down, ohfuckya.  But the other day, I ate three cupcakes so I did some dance aerobics alone in my room.   I think it helped.  

To supplement my problem drinking, I clean my own house weekly for money as well as do the occasional yardwork for my parents.  What's that you say?  I should be doing that for free since I live here for the time being?  I say fuck you.  I also did yardwork this week for a couple... exercise AND money AND a tan?!  HELL YA!

My dad recently had surgery which has left him temporarily housebound... I can't just sit in my room playing Pokemon anymore, I think he'd judge me.  Then again, his definition of "new clothes" is his lovely "2011 5km run/walk" shirt he wore in public today... ahem.

Being unemployed has had its perks.  It's given me time to attempt to become healthy... especially since I can no longer afford excessive McDonald's.  It's given me time to beat Pokemon Red version.  It's given me time to frolic through the forests of Midville Branch.  It's given me time to learn how to use a lawnmower.  It's given me time to bake delicious cupcakes.
When you think about it... I've actually learned WAY more by being unemployed than any job could possibly offer.

Unfortunately, learning new skills such as pokemon training and lawnmowing has very limited financial prospects.  I literally froze my debit card a few weeks ago so that I can salvage my savings and only spend the physical cash I encounter.

Dramatization of me achieving financial success through the magic of ice.

Anyway... if you're reading this and hiring in the Bridgewater area... please contact me for a resume :)  Also, if you're considering hiring me... please don't read any of my other posts.  Especially the one about church.
  

my addiction.

No, this isn't about drinking. 


In January, I walked into my friend Natalie's room and she was watching One Tree Hill.  At first I was like "oh fuck no, this is that show that EVERYONE was obsessed with in high school that is PROBABLY stupid even though I've never seen a - OH MY FUCKING GOD SOMETHING INTENSE JUST HAPPENED I MUST WATCH!"

The addiction began.

I borrowed season one and powered through it in three days.  

Up late? One tree hill.

Hungover? One tree hill.

I was an unstoppable One Tree Hill watching machine. 

The next few weeks I compulsively watched One Tree Hill.  

It was a vicious cycle:

Late nights meant I would watch One Tree Hill.  Watching One Tree Hill meant late nights.  

Being hungover meant watching OTH.  Watching OTH meant... well, there is no connection here but I ended up drinking.  Then I was hungover which meant watching OTH... you get it.  There was no way out.

Sooner or later I made it to season three, and that's when things spiraled out of control.  

For you fans of OTH, you'll know that Haley James Scott sings a song called 'Halo' (obviously not the Beyonce one) in season three.  For some inexplicable reason, I was briefly OBSESSED with that song.  It's the number one most played on my itunes.  I listened to it and hummed it almost constantly.  It reminds of me of OTH which makes me watch it MORE!!!!!

I was completely and entirely aware of my obsession but there was no way out.  For weeks, I powered through the seasons, wondering how I went about my day-to-day life without this show.  This has to stop, I thought desperately.  But what happens next?  I can't just stop watching, that would be stupid, I've spent all this time getting up to season six, I only have two more seasons left.  

I remember lying in bed, clutching a bottle of ginger ale and trying not to agitate my horrific headache.  It was the last episode before I would finally be caught up with where season 8 was in-progress.  I don't really remember what happened.  All I know is, I started crying.  I don't even think the episode was sad, but my life as I knew it had changed for good.  


Months later, as I sit at home unemployed, I spend my days pondering what to do between the days of OTH and the season premiere of Big Brother.  I bought seasons 1 and 2 of One Tree Hill on DVD and watch them on the treadmill sometimes... the most ingenious and highly effective weight loss regimen I've ever came up with.  Try it sometime, you just might lose YOUR freshman 15 ;)