things that piss me off about eating

I think that this is the highest concentration of the word 'fuck' of any blog post.


I'm sure I have an earlier blog post about how much I hate whole wheat bread.  To summarize:
Whole wheat bread tastes like shit.  I would rather swallow sandpaper than eat a sandwich made with whole wheat bread (the sad thing is, I'm only exaggerating a little).  Whenever I bitch about how I'm being served whole wheat bread, I always get the same reply: "It's good for you!" Shut the the fuck up.  I lost 25 pounds this summer eating at least four slices of WHITE bread every day.  Not once did I torture my tastebuds with the carboard-like texture of the monstrosity and abomination that is whole wheat bread.  And I still successfully lost weight.  So go fuck yourself.
Moving on -

I like sour cream.  A lot.  I would sit there eating out of a tub of sour cream if it wasn't grossly unhealthy and probably socially unacceptable.  So naturally I'm pissed off when people judge/criticize me for loading copious amounts of sour cream on everything.
Am I pouring sour cream on your food?  No.
Am I eating it directly from the container?  Rarely.
Am I spitting sour cream out of my mouth to piss you off?  No, but that would be kind of funny.
Exactly.  So shut the fuck up and let me eat my food with an unhealthy amount of sour cream.

I'm a messy eater.  You're a fucking bitch.  I don't tell you you're a fucking bitch, so don't tell me I'm a messy eater.  K? K.

I'm a pescetarian, meaning I eat fish and only eat other animals while drunk no other animals.  Generally at gatherings where pizza is available, the person organizing said gathering decides to be 'respectful' and order pepperoni pizza for the omnivores and vegetarian pizza for the others.  The thing about vegetarian pizza is that it's covered in olives (I fucking hate olives) and peppers and other shit that I don't want.  Just because I don't eat meat doesn't fucking mean I want olives on my god damn pizza.  Get CHEESE pizza.  You probably can't go wrong.  If you don't/can't eat cheese... then don't eat pizza. 


Last thing that pisses me off about eating (and it's a big one):
I love spaghetti.  I would go as far as to say it's my favourite food.  However, I like spaghetti with butter and parmesan cheese.  No sauce.  So it FUCKING PISSES ME OFF WHEN CUNTS POUR SAUCE ALL OVER MY FUCKING SPAGHETTI WITHOUT ASKING ME.  I've never hit someone in my life but my closest moments have been a result of this.
It's almost equally frustrating when I sit down with my spaghetti and get weird looks and am asked "you don't put sauce on your spaghetti?"  MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.


... I wasn't in a bad mood before I wrote this but now I'm gonna go on a rampage.  BYE!